He is Faithful.

I don't post much on social media about what's going on in my life...but my blog has become a place over the years that I can just be honest with all of the people in my life and I can be honest with myself. That's what I am going to do in this post.


In May, I graduated with my Masters from JMU in Elementary Education. Not gonna lie, I was really happy to be done with school. The year of grad school was definitely a difficult one. I didn't sleep much and my entire life was consumed with school & student teaching. I pretty much stopped talking to everyone in my life unless I had direct contact with them or if they contacted me. It was really just not a healthy place for me to be in. I felt isolated and worn.


My relationship with the Lord really suffered too. I had NO idea where I was heading next in life. Part of me wanted to join the Peace Corps, another part of me wanted to move to Africa, and another part of me wanted to teach. Then there was the matter of figuring out WHERE I was going to teach. I had no clue. I would sit for hours in my room in complete silence trying to hear the Lord's voice for direction, but I never heard anything. I still don't really understand why God was silent in this struggle, but I do know that He proved faithful in it all.


I get a call from my mom at the end of March telling me that she ran into Angie deMik in the grocery store. Quick background...Mrs. deMik was my guidance counselor when I was in high school at Norfolk Christian, and she is now the principal at the lower school of Norfolk Christian. Mrs. deMik told my mom that she would have a job opening up for the fall so I should apply. I applied, interviewed with her, and accepted the job a little over a month later. I will be teaching 4th grade at Norfolk Christian in one of the classrooms I grew up in. Weird... I know.


Here's the deal, I don't know where this story of my life is heading. God opens doors quickly at times. If you had asked me in the middle of March if I would be teaching at Norfolk Christian, the answer would have been a confident "no." There are still doubts, but I am confident in the faithfulness of the Lord. He is a good God who will fulfill His promises. Life doesn't always happen the way we plan it. Like I said, I had no intention of returning to Norfolk Christian, but God has asked me to trust Him as I begin this new season in my life. I'm choosing today to trust in the faithfulness of a God who will never give up on me.

We Dance.

Those who know me know that I don't particularly love dancing. I love watching others dance and am always in awe of their beauty and creativity while doing it, but it's just not my thing. But, dancing is what is on my mind this evening.

This song is called We Dance and it is a new favorite of mine. It beautifully paints a picture of dancing with Jesus.  

These are some of my favorite lyrics:
You steady me
Slow and sweet we sway
Take the lead and I will follow
Finally ready now
To close my eyes and just believe
That you won’t lead me where you don’t go

That intimacy. That trust. That beauty.

Our lives are a "great dance!" We are dancing through our lives, the ups and the downs. We sway back and forth and are constantly spinning around. In this though, we are being held tight by our Savior. We can lock eyes with Him and trust that He will lead us in the right direction. He knows how to still our hearts, if only we will let Him. And, we will only go where Jesus leads us and that is so reassuring to me. 

I encourage you to listen to this song when you have a moment to be still. Just sit back, close your eyes, and listen. Imagine yourself dancing with Jesus; it's just you and Him. 

Why I love work.

I will confess, there are moments in the semester where I dread going to work. Normally though, it is because I am exhausted and haven't been taking enough time for myself. 

I am a server at a restaurant on campus, I have been for a couple years now. And...I absolutely love it!! Anyone who has served might think I'm crazy but I really do love my job. 

Today, I figured out why. My love language, the way I give love to others, is by serving. It always has been. It is why my heart is drawn to missions, and it is why I will go out of my way to be anywhere or do anything for the people I love. 

See where I'm going with this? While the people I serve at my restaurant might not see these acts of service as love, that's what it is for me! I get to show the love of Jesus to people with every interaction. Every order I take, salad dressing they need, or wanting another dipping sauce for their fries (even though they already have 3....), every single one of those things is a chance to love others! 

It is an extraordinary and beautiful blessing to be able to "do ministry" in this way. Work has become a break from my school work, but it has also become a place where I can serve every single person around me. I am so grateful for these opportunities every day...but especially today. 

A Story of Grace & Friendship.

I want to share a little story with you.

Once upon a time there was a girl. Her sophomore year of high school she began a battle with the dark disease of depression. She was ashamed because Christians aren't supposed to have such dark thoughts, and she was angry at the Lord and everyone around her.

She also did not know anyone else who struggled with depression. This made it really hard to feel comfortable talking about it. That girl, who struggles with depression, just so happens to be me.

Fast forward to college. I finally began to share with others about this struggle but still didn't know anyone else who had the same struggles. Then, I went to Nicaragua with a team of young adults from all around the country. As people shared their testimonies, there was a commonality that many of us had struggled with depression. It felt so real to finally have people in my life that had the same battle as I did. Unfortunately, my time with those people ended and I was back at school feeling kind of alone again in this battle.

I had learned how to share my story and I had learned when to ask for prayer. But I only shared the basic story and I still felt alone so often.

Then we get to senior year, second semester. A dear friend of mine confessed that she had been struggling with depression again. I guess in my struggles of my own life, I didn't realized when SHE had been battling depression.

Here's where it gets good: There's something special about the bond that is formed when two people are fighting a similar battle especially something like depression. Think of losing a loved one, people only understand when they've been through the same thing.

I have learned so much from this girl. I think the ability to communicate openly about something that is so difficult to talk about, a disease that is such an internal battle, is the most beautiful thing. I've had countless conversations with my friend about this struggle, putting words to feelings that I've had for so long. It's been so freeing. And more importantly, our friendship has deepened in a way that I didn't really know was possible. When someone understands the deepest battles of your heart, it's the ultimate way of being open, honest, and vulnerable. And when I say it's freeing, I really mean that.

And the most important reminder that our friendship has taught me is that I am not alone in this battle with depression or in life. Having someone who just "gets it" is such a God thing. God knowing that we both needed each other. God is constantly showing His grace to me by having someone listen to me and my heart with grace. I feel like His grace is so interwoven throughout our friendship, and it serves as a constant reminder to me to trust the Lord with every single aspect of my life.

Brave.

You make me brave.

Sometimes we have to be brave to make the decision that we aren't sure is right.

Sometimes we have to be brave to get out of bed each day even though our soul is downhearted.

Sometimes we have to be brave to trust in the love of God that we cannot always see.

Sometimes we have to be brave and talk to that person who might think we are a little strange for doing it.

Sometimes we have to be brave and move across the country to a brand new place.

Sometimes we have to be brave and stay right where we are.

Sometimes we have to be brave and simply let go.



My favorite part of the song that has inspired this whole post says the following:

You make me brave
You make me brave
You called me beyond the shore
Into the waves

You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now 
The love that made a way

You make me brave
You make me brave
You called me beyond the shore
Into the waves

You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now 
The promises You've made

What a magnificent and merciful truth-that when we are fearful, we can be BRAVE because of the love of Jesus Christ. We do not need to be afraid. We were made to be brave. 

The end but also the beginning.

While the end is coming on my 4 years as an undergrad student, I can't help but think back to the beginning. Actually, a little bit before the beginning...the summer of 2010 before I started my journey at JMU.

One week after my high school graduation, I went to Nicaragua on a missions trip. It wasn't my first missions trip, but this week in particular really wrecked me for God's kingdom. After returning from this trip, I was heading out to Triple R Ranch to be a camp counselor for 5 weeks. A week after I was done at camp, I would be heading to JMU.

My time as a camp counselor that summer was difficult but amazing. Groups of young girls looking to me for guidance. One group in particular LOVED hearing my Nicaragua stories and I of course loved sharing them. Each week of camp, though, I got more and more anxious for college. Was I making the right choice? I mean, I only applied to JMU...what if I was meant to be somewhere else? What if I'm supposed to just do missions right now? These were the questions swirling through my head every minute of every day.

One time my friend and I just sat for hours and talked about how we didn't want to go to college...we just wanted to love people full time. My heart was thinking about Nicaragua while her's was thinking about Uganda.

Thinking about this conversation I had with my friend makes me tear up now. God is so faithful and He is so good. He leads us where we need to go and JMU was where I needed to be these past 4 years. I've learned things here that I know I wouldn't have learned anywhere else through specific people and through the atmosphere that is JMU.

That conversation now is funny to me because I've learned a lesson in college related to loving others. Coming back from missions trips is always difficult for me because my heart is in that other place. I went to Nicaragua summer of 2010 as well as summer 2012 for two months. The months right after those trips were difficult. Being at school didn't seem important to me because I knew that people were suffering around the world.

Then, the summer of 2013 happened. It was my first summer living at home since high school. I was working out at the Oceanfront at a pool bar and grill. God reminded me of the most valuable lesson I think we can ever learn:

That we should love people wherever we are. Love is constant because God is love and God is constant. Love is one thing that never changes no matter where we are.

As this season of my life ends, this is a lesson that I hold on to. Loving others is something so important to me because it it the easiest way for me to be an extension of the hands and feet of Jesus. Things will definitely be changing in the next year or so. I am starting grad school here at JMU for a year starting May 19th, so I will graduate with my masters in May 2015. In the meantime, most of my friends are heading off into the world to do great things. It is a weird transition, a difficult one, but I will hold on to my ability to love others because that is what I am called to do.

Grateful.

Today marks 6 years. I can’t believe it has been 6 years since my high/middle/elementary school choir teacher passed away. If I’m being honest, I have not been taking it well the past few days. It’s a hard time of year because her passing away was when I hit rock bottom in my own life and my depression was at its worst. Every year I think about her, but also about where I was in life at that moment which was not a good place.

But today is different, today it is Easter. This whole day has been filled with reminders of something so much bigger than my depression. It has been filled with love, grace, and joy. How beautiful it is that today is a time we remember the Lord’s resurrection. I am grateful for what the Lord did all those years ago on the cross to save me from my sins, but I am also grateful for how the Lord rescued me 6 years ago pulling me out of a pit and helping me to stand again on my own two feet.

I am still sad; I miss Mrs. Turner so much. She inspired in me a love of music and of worship, something I almost lost after she passed away. 

Today, though, I worship. 

Today, I love. 

And today, I am grateful.